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Are you FREAKING kidding me?!?!

The last time I posted was in January, just ahead of our eldest child’s 18th birthday, when I whinged about a new strange ‘milestone’ that was more in the first of a series. Now, it’s about eight months later and the speed at which the transition from a teen to a young adult occurs is stupendously more rapid than anyone would ever tell you.

When I wrote the post in January, our oldest didn’t have a job, didn’t drive, hadn’t picked out a college, and really, really still seemed an awful lot like a kid still. Today, he finished his 7th day in a row “a little early” at just after 3:30; for reference, he’s typically on the job from 7:30 – 6:00 and sometimes much, much later. He’s building fences (and other general labor activities), which involves a hell of a lot of physical exertion. Today’s adventure involved driving around work trucks, trying out some new tools — and digging even more bloody holes. While he did that, I dug around on the Oregon State University website for more detail on logistics for move-in day (late September). Yesterday he was telling me about a high-school friend who graduated last year and is now going to have a baby and get married (don’t ask me the order of operations, I don’t know and it’s not anybody’s business).

All of that to say: inside of 8 months, I went from seeing a weak but meaningful milestone pass to ACTUALLY seeing the milestone pass. It’s real, just stretched out a bit. Not only does he have a job, but he’s also driving (quite a lot), has college all squared away for the fall, and is now going through what a lot of us went through after our senior year of high school – friends getting married, having kids, and becoming “real” adults.

In all, the chain of events over the course of the past eight or so months has been pretty ‘chill,’ punctuated with odd bits of drama here and there. We went to Oregon to check out schools, ticking the parent box of ‘touring schools’ that I was pretty damn sure was not a thing I’d ever be doing. We finished up driver training and got his license. He managed to find a job that offers as many hours as he can stomach (If I ever hear the words: “People just don’t want to work anymore,” someone’s getting punched in the nuts — the problem is PAY and DIGNITY, not ethic – if you feel the words spill out your mouth, maybe just stop watching fox news.) In any case, it’s all becoming very, very real. In a little over 1 month’s time, he’s leaving home, and while he’ll be back to visit, maybe even to live for a while, our little guy is launching, and that’s permanent.

While leaving home is a huge deal that’s not what got me today. What got me is that I was looking through ‘care packages’ you can buy your kid through the school and one of the things you can get is a birthday care package. That’s when I realized — he’s going to be there by himself on his birthday this winter. The first time ever. Not home for his birthday. Now, it’s FEELING real.

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Another milestone – or is it?

Today, my oldest kid turned 18, and just like that he’s an “adult”.

I can remember when Owen was still a little guy. We’d come home from work, pick him up from Grandma’s house and I would sit him in his chair, feed him dinner and sing songs, read stories, or tell him poems. I can still nearly remember “Mooses come walking” by Arlo Guthrie, and at least the intro to goodnight moon. It was so dang long ago. These days, conversation over dinner (when we can manage all having dinner together), revolve around grown-up things. Or at the very least, more ‘mature’ endeavours. Lately, we’ve spent rather a LOT of time talking about college, scholarships, student loans, cost of living, jobs, career, and so many related topics. It’s not at all the same, and yet, nothing has really changed, not in ways that matter, at least yet.

It’s funny how we think about age and coming of age. Yesterday, Owen was 17 – technically still a kid. and today, by some arcane legal magic, he’s technically an adult. As of this morning, he can vote, be drafted, work whatever hellish hours an employer can dream up, more or less make actual legal decisions on his own behalf, and 100% from now on be accountable as an adult for everything he does. All that and yet, tomorrow he’ll go to high school just the same as he did yesterday, as if nothing at all has changed. A huge mile-stone is on us, and it feels simultaneously like a big deal and yet just another day in the usual grind.

Over the past few days as we’ve been trying to figure out college and how to pay for it, it’s occurred to me that while he’s earned the label ‘adult’, he’s not really an adult, is he? He can’t rent a car (technically can’t drive yet, but that’s another issue altogether). He can’t support himself, even if he went out and found a full-time job tomorrow he’d still be dependent for some time. The kid can’t go for a beer, buy a cigar, or try recreational marijuana (not that I’m advocating for any of that, mind). I suspect if he tried to book a hotel or a flight, he could not. There’s no possibility for renting his own place, buying a car, or getting a credit card. Even opening a bank account is going to take an adultier adult.

I’ve been dreading this milestone for a while now. I thought I’d be freaking out, maybe crying a lot or seeing to it that at least one freshly opened bottle of whisky doesn’t see the light of day. I don’t know, it’s supposed to be a big deal. Instead, I’ve found it to be a pretty normal day, all things considered. I went to work, called a plumber in a panic while shovelling poo out of my front yard, fretted about taxes a bit, ordered dinner, and went to Target. About the most substantive thing that happened today (outside of the poo thing) was that we lit some sparklers in the kitchen and sang happy birthday over some birthday ice cream.

As bedtime closes in on what is supposed to be one of the biggest milestones of my kids life, and a huge one in mine, I’m realising that turning 18 isn’t really a milestone, it’s the first in a series of steps in a years long transition. We still have a lot of time before our kid truly launches into independence. There is much work to be done yet and perhaps more beyond. I don’t really know, I guess we’ll just have to see.

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It’s 2023, and I’m exhausted already.

In considering this year’s New Year’s post, I’ve observed folks on Facebook and Twitter giving the usual “Hoping for a better 2023!”, but also, and notably: “All right 2023, what sort of bullshit do you have for me? Let’s get this over with.” Perhaps it’s always been that way, and I just haven’t noticed. I know lots of my friends and acquaintances have had a tough year, some life-changing, some downright tragic. Others did okay, with lots of travel to wonderful places, or perhaps paid off some debt, or maybe took on a new job.

I’d characterize my year as good, overall, but very, very tough. After a quick agreeable discussion with the wife, we decided that this year, we should have an ‘epic’ Christmas. Everyone got something surprising that we normally couldn’t really afford: computer, iPad, all the Lego & video games, and even kittens. I wanted to do this in part because we’ve all had a really hard few years, and still managed to keep on going. In part, I wanted it to be a day where I didn’t have to say “I got what they had” or “I didn’t have time to…”.

Myself, I got a new VR headset for flight-simming, which is among my favorite things to do in the simulator, when I have time. It’s not a thing I’ll get to spend much time on. After all, I need 1-3 hours uninterrupted to really get anything out of it. That’s not something I feel like I can get these days. I tried a few flights over the holidays but had to give up on more than one attempt because there was just too much going on in the real world. I think last night on new-years eve was the longest uninterrupted relaxation time I’ve had in as long as I can remember.

In 2020, the pandemic hit, and I rolled with it. We redesigned whole workflows, from surveys all the way through the writing. It was 40 years of program development pivoted within a year. This December, the report representing the most complex and comprehensive attempts was finally published. It was a huge accomplishment, but the amount of work the team put into it involved many nights and weekends of intellectually challenging work. We continued at that same pace moving through 2021 and into 2022 as we worked in totally unprecedented conditions and then tried to ‘return to normal.’ The pace 2020 set hasn’t let up. In returning to normal, we’re trying to do it with a ton of new staff, new procedures, new software, and new problems. All that AND we’re trying to catch up with work that was postponed. To say the last few years have been exhausting would be a real understatement.

With that in mind, I think, what I’d really have liked for my ‘Epic Christmas’ this year to close it out is some real time off. A break that doesn’t involve getting up by 8 to deal with email or answering questions. A break that doesn’t require 4 meetings over two days with substantial follow-ups. A break where nobody needs me for a couple of weeks without a massive detrimental impact on my entire section. A break that doesn’t cause a backlog in my own workload that I simply can’t fix. If I’d found that in my stocking, it would’ve made the past few years seem a bit less. As it is, you can’t just go and buy that on Amazon, no matter how big the PFDs were this year. Now I’ve got a very nice headset that I may not see again for six months, but it is a thing just for me where I get to be alone with my thoughts and picture myself flying over some far-away place.

So having said that, what’s my point? Well, my hope for 2023 is this: People start to realize that it’s NEVER that people don’t want to work, it’s that there is too much being demanded of us, and we’ve all hit a brick wall after running with low staff, high expectations, and something new literally every day for almost 3 years. Some to the point where it’s not even worth going in anymore. We’ve given all we can, and there’s nothing left. It’s time to stop complaining and be kind, maybe take a deep breath and tell that barista thank you even if they did screw-up your order.