A bit erratic

Look at me! I’m blogging again —I mean, not because I’ve got time or anything, but because I’ve had a few thoughts. The first thought I wanted to share comes from some serious start of the year reflection after having written my January 1 post. If anything, this expounds on that a bit. We’re just two weeks into 2021, a year I simply haven’t got high hopes for, and it’s proving to be all the awful of 2020, but with new awful stuff thrown in for good measure.

This post could be about how I’m losing faith in humanity, as I watch thousands of people choose to believe, repeat and forgive verifiable lies without thinking twice about the consequences. It could be about the gaslighting out politicians are trying with the “We need to unite talk”. Yes, we do need to do that, but it’s going to look like certain people taking responsibility for their actions and holding those responsible accountable, not giving people a free pass and claiming it’s “unity”. That’s what you do in a society based on the rule of law.

No. What I need to talk about, and probably shouldn’t in a public forum, but will anyhow, is me. I had a moment the other day where I realized my behavior has started to become a bit erratic. Not so bad that I went out to storm the capitol building with full intent of doing harm, but bad enough I’ve finally noticed it. My temper at work has been short, I’ve been impatient, and I’m not as prepared for things I need to be. In my personal life, I’ve ranted on Twitter, been unnecessarily negative, and even more self-deprecating than is normal even for me. To top it all off, I’ve accomplished very little. Normally, I’m always in motion, always moving and trying. These days, by the end of a day, even a relatively calm one, I’m unable to function.

As I reflect on myself and who I want to be in 2021, I realized that I’m in a pretty dark place. It’s hard not to be when the sun sets at about 4pm. In the latter part of 2020, I found MS Flight Simulator 2020 and got all hooked up on that – my problem now? Too much anxiety to play. I made it halfway through a flight last night and was told something got into the duck-yard and killed some ducks. Yup. That was all I needed to break me. I couldn’t even sit comfortably and watch Mrs. Maisel (I love the writing & dialogue, BRILLIANT).

Really, I don’t know what the solution here is. So, I thought I’d turn to this blog —for the same reason I started it. The whole point of sharing my thoughts etc… was to force myself to achieve my goals. Only this time, it’s not about forcing myself to finish that book, or make another YouTube or even find ways to talk about being an indie author. Instead, I need to force myself to find a way out of this damn hole – a way where I can get back to making and thinking and generally getting people to ask me: How do you manage all of that? A job, writing novels, raising kids, and even normally cooking a pretty okay meal. What’s more, I want to feel good about it again. Anyhow, if you made it this far, thanks for listening. I’ll try to do better on the blogging more, and maybe even try to keep it shorter.

3 thoughts on “A bit erratic

  1. The first step to getting better is to understand that something is going on. I hope you can find a way to take better care of yourself. Talk to a doctor about SAD, stop doom scrolling, therapeutically hammer on the duck’s pen?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m trying and you know what a SAD light actually sounds good. I only just saw this comment a bit ago and I was – indeed doom-scrolling. I’m waiting for bloody incidents around the nation, but I haven’t seen anything and what’s more, I’ve had more fun on Twitter today and met more interesting people than I have in ages. The whole tone of the platform seems to have shifted, and it’s amazing, Still anxious and all that, but I’m feeling so much more optimistic than two weeks ago.

      Like

  2. […] days. I’m on Day #6 as of today. What is that? You might remember that last week I wrote a post about how I was in something of a dark place. And so many of us are for all different reasons. I […]

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